I Hate Him!

Your child sobs, "I hate him!"

How do you respond?:

A. Don't speak to your brother like that!

B. We don't use that word in this family!

C. What's happened now? (exasperated sigh)

D. You're so upset and angry with your brother right now!

The important question here is how do you respond in a way that promotes growth and connection for all parties?

It can be difficult when you are in the middle of something else to think through an immediate effective response especially when the sound of upset (yet again) and the word 'hate' triggers emotions in you.

It's the potential for an even more emotionally charged scenario. No growth and further relationship distance. Some deep breaths and a quick reset of your thinking is needed here. Think:

• Connection is key.
• My children are still learning how to get their needs met. Help them find different solutions.

A and B responses moralise. When your child is already intensely upset they are emotionally flooded and cannot 'hear' your message. The part of the brain needed to intellectually process your message is awash. Save your teaching of values and morals for when there is no problem and your child is receptive and feels your acceptance. Remember, when someone is drowning it's not not the time to teach them to swim.

Already feeling hurt, inadequate and put down by their sibling, messages A, B, and C convey (even from your tone) another layer of put down and unacceptance from you. In other words, 'change how you are'.

Response D, together with an empathetic tone, is the one that leads to growth and connection for all parties!

Why? Because you are conveying your understanding and genuine empathy towards your child by acknowledging how they are feeling and what has happened. This skill is called Active Listening.

It is THE method to help your child de-escalate and regulate their emotions so that they can think clearly and work through the problem with their sibling either by themselves or with some support from you. It also shows your acceptance that they have a problem.

Mostly children work out their spats by themselves. That is healthy for them. There are other times when emotions are so heightened that support from a parent is needed to help de-escalate emotions and guide a process of problem solving. More to come on this process in a future blog.

Learn Active Listening at my next online parenting course. Starts 2 Feb 2025.